I can't believe I haven't been on this since June 2005.  It didn't feel like it was that long, but it makes sense.  A lot has happened.  My biggest hardships have been dealing with how cruel this world has really become and the loss of a friend who I considered to be my second brother but didn't appreciate till it was too late.

I miss Jay so much.  I still have a lot of regret that I need to push past.  I always considered him my second brother.  He's younger than my actual brother and when they became friends, he practically lived at our house.  It's so sad that it took his death for me to see just how much a part of our family he was.  It strange because I always said he was my second brother; he was always there; he was like my brother - sometimes in the way; sometimes annoying; etc.  I considered him a part of my family, but I took it for granted because I treated him like he was just one of my brothers friends instead of the brother I really though of him as.  It's also so hard to understand why God would take a young life.  Why does anyone have to die?  My grandfather died almost 6 months ago.  It was unexpected, but yet it seems to be easier to deal with than Jay's death.  The only things I see that are different is the age and the level of regret.  I regret not seeing my grandfather as much as I wanted to, but at least I called him and talked to him at least once a month.  I rarely spoke to Jay once I moved out of my parents house.  I wish we had stayed close.

I was getting so depressed about everything that I actually started contemplating what my life would be like if I had made different choices.  Like what if I married the first love of my life?  I thought about it a lot for awhile, but I've finally snapped out of it and come to my senses.  It would be nice to look into an alternate dimension and see what my life would be like right now if I'd done things differently, but I wouldn't want to stay in that reality because I'd loose my husband who I love even though we don't see eye to eye as much as we used to you, and worst of all I'd loose my children.  My chidren are the real love of my life, and I'll do anything for them.  I could never imagine my life without them.  I can imagine them more obedient, but I can't imagine them out of my life.

Why is being overweight a big deal?  My husband acts like being overweight is this horrible deadly disease, but I don't see it that way.  

I know if you are extremely obese that there are a lot of heath problems that can happen, but I'm barely obese.  I've checked the charts; I'm just over the overweight border.  My husband says he wants to talk to me about my weight because he cares, but I just want him to accept me as I am.  I don't like being overweight, but until he brings it up, it really doesn't bother me much.  I'm human; I have my moments when everything is a big deal, and I say I don't like my weight or my body or whatever, but then things lighten up, and I'm OK again.  

I simply don't want his advise or input on this matter.  I know he hates "fat people" as he puts it; so anything he says feels like an attack.  It's like he despises fat so much that it kills him to see his own wife be overweight.  So I feel his "advise" and "suggestions" are more of a personal vendetta.  He only wants me to change because of his own biases.  I just don't feel like he's doing out of care and concern like he says.

If fact, almost all of his "advice" is more like an attack or demand.  He doesn't know how to be nice or considerate to others feelings.  He needs some sensitivity lessons so he can properly interact with other humans without hurting people.

I feel so depressed. I can't concentrate. I'm behind in house work. I'm behind in taking pictures of my kids; gettting copies of pictures, and distributing the pictures to my family. Some of my family members don't even have a baby picture of my 13-month old. That's sad.

People say I can do it on the weekend, but I want to play with the kids I haven't seen much of during the week cause I'm at work. I could do it at night when they're asleep, but I'm too tired. I'm too depressed to do much at all. Then I still have to do house work and that's more of a priority sometimes.

I feel like a failure. Why can't get everything done that needs to be done? Why do I have to get depressed and just have no energy to do anything I want or need to do.

I hate myself so much right now. I constantly want to drink to numb myself. All I feel is heart-broken and sad most of the time. Being happy is fake and forced.

I'm at work right now and just couldn't concentrate. So I went on hear to unload, but it's not helping. I'm getting worse and am almost crying.

Life has to get better than this, or it's not worth living.

I just wanted to post these websites so that I wouldn't loose them.
http://www.ish.edu.hel.fi/downloads/2003Newsletter22,Feb14.doc
http://www.wellnesstoday.com/2001september/immunity.htm

Today Heather and I went outside to play. At first it felt a little too cold, but we quickly warmed up. We even went for a walk around the block. Heather walked most of the way, but she did have me carry her at the last stretch. I thought I was going to die. Being 3 weeks from due date, I was out of breath half way. Carry Heather in addition to my pregnant weight was awful. If I try to take a walk again, I'm bring a stroller as a backup.

My due date is March 28. I'm down to 3 weeks left till I see my new baby. When I had my ultrasound, they said it looked like it would be a girl. I'm not so certain because this pregnancy was so different from my first that I think it should be a boy this time. I'll be happy either way. I can't wait. I have almost everything ready for the baby. I still need to wash the clothes, and the room needs to be picked up again, but besides that, I'm all set.

My husband will be a little surprised with the night-time feedings. When my first was born, he worked nights, so wasn't around to help. As much as I want his help, I know that he'll still be working, so I don't really want him to have to get up with me and then try function on little sleep.

My daughter is two. In the past two weeks, she has suddenly developed a fear with going to bed. She will have me read several stories, but she won't stay still. She gets up, and when I try to have her lie back down, she throws a tantrum. She also won't stay in her bed during the night. After she has fallen asleep on the floor, I've put her in bed, but by morning she is back on the floor. It's only been two weeks, but I am very frustrated.

I hope there are other working parents who feel like I do. I feel guilty if I go out with friends or my husband on the few days I'm not working. I actually went out to dinner with some friends for the first time in about a year last month. When I come home from work, I'm exhausted. I try to spend some time with her, but it seems to be over too quick. On my days off, I try to balance cleaning and playing, but I don't feel very successful. I feel like I'm not doing a very good job.